There were some days where you just don’t know how to react, how to say, how to feel. You know your bidy signaling pain, or hunger but it feels repetitive. With everything that you done everyday: cleaning, cooking, reading, working. You don’t feel.

As I walk and look at the people and I wish I could read their emotions. But not too close cause I will drown.

The doctor appoitments, groceries shopping.

Talking with your collegues, hugging your husband before go to sleep.

Listening to some music

But you just feel that walking in a glass shell, you keep walking, it would be cracking. And you are ready.

If the cracks turned into a big holes that suck you up. Or you just keep going.

I keep going, milestones per milestone

I know I am doing my best everyday.

I haven’t been writing maybe that is it.



Marriage changes everything. Everything. Your finance, your body, your appearance, your time, your life priority, your helot, your economy, your family. Every single thing you had you knew and you can resist.

I stay with my name cause I hate patriarchy, but one thing that affect me, my partner vice versa is our intellectuality and scoup of research.

I, historian, become so much aware about how environment factors that shaped or contested the politics surroundings meanwhile my husband now is digging more into history of his research location. Maybe because we talked so much about our work, we engage and we love our field very much. Maybe?