I forgot to write because many things, but mostly my depression.
I just get back from Estonia, still pregnant because somehow the legal abortion in Germany required a lot of filling papers that took me 3 weeks to complete after the second time come and back to my first and second gynecelog.
I tell what the problem is, so to have a legal abortion in Germany you have to fulfill several documents:
- A certificate from your most recent/first gynecologist that you are actually pregnant proven by blood test and ultrasound check
- A certificate from family counselor that you are doing the abortion because its your own decision, no one pressuring you and you know the risk of your action
- A certificate of your blood group and any statement that you are currently healthy and free from any disease such as covid or sexual transmitted disease
- A statement from your insurance that they will cover the procedure and if any complication followed
Those five letters seems easy to collect, but trust me during the process, I had to come and go to several institution from my current gynecolog, the family counselor, taking the blood result and going back to my current gynecelog. And each organisatin doctor/family consultation/insurance company I have to make termin, write letters, send it back waiting for the reply and it takes FOUR FUCKING WEEKS IN TOTAL!!!!!
Here come the complication. According to German’s law, the abortion procedure allowed as the pregnancy no later than 12 weeks. There are two types of abortion, medical and surgical. A medical abortion is trough pill taking, only possible if you are below 10 to 9 weeks pregnant. The safest but longer process cause you will trough cramp and nausea when the fetus and its house starts to crumble.
The second method is surgical. This method is recommended if your pregnancy is 10 weeks and older. This method is a little bit complicated because it requires full body anesthesy but the clean your uterus faster and the bleeding will occur up to 2 weeks.
I found out that I am pregnant when I was 5 weeks pregnancy. After I came back from Indonesia having a holiday with my husband, I wonder why I haven’t get any menstruation in March. It has been 42 days. I know that I have hormonal problems but it doesn’t this long. So I took a pregnancy test that I always have in my house, test it and I got positive result.
At first was happy because I just found out that I wasn’t infertile as my gynecologist tell me, and as soon as I tell my husband with this news suddenly I come to a realisation that. I have mortgage and it is impossible to have a child for the next two years, or at least once my house finished and I can rent it. I become panic and I really wish I could end this pregnancy any sooner so I call my gynecelogist asking for a termin. They said I could have a termin on 20th of March which is around two weeks later. After I called and made the termin, I just check my calendar up and realised I actually have the termin for checking up my cyst next week at the same gynecologist! I don’t have to wait for two weeks that would be great.
I have a week just to researching on how to get a legal abortion in Germany. I remember my local feminist group once informed me about the procedure that I have to get a consultation. I contacted her, my friend from the organisation and she informed me that not every gynecologist is willing to do the procedure, I need to book a consultation and procedure to a special ob/gyn in town and gave me contacts.
I also informed my gay family about this. I know that my blood relative family only want to hear what they want to hear. Just like a common family in Indonesia who care about what neighbour said rather your own children happiness. I told them that I don’t want to be pregnant and the support me. This is what I need.
So the day come and I am sitting patiently to get my uterus and breast checked. Tbh, because I work in sexuality and health reproduction issues, I have concered about my sexual and reproduction health loooong before I move to Germany. Since in Jakarta I have a HIV check up, sexual transmitted infection check up every six month. When I moved to Germany, first thing I seek was a gynecologist. So I have been doing this check up since I don’t know, six years?
And this time I have my check up, I confess to my doctor that I probably preganant. She calculate the first day I got my menstruation and checked an ultrasounds to my vagina. HERE IT IS, SHE FIND SOMETHING IN MY UTERUS. It was creepy, disgusting and scared.
The doctor showed me that something inside my uterus, probably a fetus but she cannot find the embryo. She called a nurse just to make sure of what she saw. The nurse said she can’t find the embryo either. The ultrasound then closed with my terrifying face.
My doctor catch my expression and asked a question, “well it seems that you are pregnant, what you wanna do?”
“I don’t want this. I want to cancel it as soon as possible”
My doctor told me I should go to the family counsellor in the city center and process the pregnancy certificate for me. She also recommend me the different ob/gyn that will take care about my procedure.
In my pregnancy certificate, it stated that I am five or six weeks pregnant. I rush to the counsellor’s office and I was lucky that someone canceled their termin and I have my termin in the next three hours. I came home and feel relieve. I hope the day after tommorow I can go to the ob/gyn and get my pills before it is too late. In the mean time, she also recommend me to write letter to my insurance cause they are going to cover the bills. I did everything that she said, called my insurence and hoping that my letter come soon.
The counselling session was rather quicked. I know what I want and I stated to the counsellor that I don’t wanna be pregnant. It only takes 5 minutes, she let me go with the certificate I need.
Now I have two of six administration letters. My wishful thinking cause I hope my pregnancy could end up soon since I miss working very much.
The day after, I went to the ob/gyn. He is a people of colour and I saw many people of colour patients. I never seen so many people in colour in a clinic before. I wonder perhaps because the doctor is people of colour, the patient have preference to select someone who looks like them to trust. it was my assumption but I think I made a right choice. I gave my letters to the administration and she said I should wait for my first check up.
My first day check up come, the doctor confirmed that I am pregnant and he hopes he could see me next week for the medical abortion since it seems only five weeks and we supposed to do it as soon as possible. He offered me Monday and with several consideration I could come probably on Wednesday.
The next week, I come on Wednesday. When I came, the nurse told me that the pills was not here. Either this evening or tomorrow it will delivered from Netherland. I come home disappointed but still hoping for tomorrow.
I come again on Thursday, I asked if the pill arrives and they said not yet I should wait until tomorrow Friday and it really breaks my heart.
The pregnancy sickness is starting as I reached week 6. I disgust by the smell of coriander, followed by onion. I feel like I wanna kill my self. I know the hormones start to kick me up.
I got a call in Friday, the nurse said that my pill is here. I can come oround 12.30. I remember the day, it was 24th of March. On 27th I supposed to fly to Tallin for a workshop. I am running out of time but I wish this going to end soon. So I am rushing to go there. I wait patiently and I spoke to the nurse that I was the girl on the phone. I wish I could take the pill then she said,
“You haven’t got the blood group letters and letter form your insurance”
I stoned
I told her that I can go back to my first gynecolog to get my blood group letters but the insurance not yet replying my letters cause I haven’t check my mailbox.
It was Friday afternoon. My first gynecolog office already closed.
At the same day I got letters from my insurence. IT IS A GODAMN CORRESPONDENCE EMAIL. It means that I have to fill the form and send it back to them. I filled it and send it back on Saturday.
Beuracracy doesn’t count for weekend but my fetus doesn’t know about the corporate system outside my womb. It keeps growing and I am rushing againts my future and German’s beaurocratic system.
The weekend passed and it’s suddenly 27th of March. I supposed to fly to Tallin but the strikes canceled my plane. At the same time I was relieved cause I have time to do the abortion so I went to the gynecolog, asked for my bloodgroup letter. I come to the ob/gyn that performed my abortion procedure and give my blood letter to them. Asking if I can have the procedure today.
She said my letter is not complete yet and without letter from the insurance company they don’t want to do the procedure.
I am so heartbroken. But I must stay rational, I need to thing what should I do next. I can’t stand being pregnant. I really hate being pregnant.
I can’t eat
I have the appetite, I feel hungry but certain foods, almost all foods make me vomit.
I can’t even stand working in a restaurant. The job that I love with all my heart and my passion: being a cook.
I can’t stand being surrounds by food’s smell. I want to vomit all the time. It is not a morning sickness. It is all day sickness.
I isolate my self from social life. I refused all invitation from my friends. I am very closed and I wake up thinking why I should woke up. I want to end my life.
I know this ain’t healthy so I try to open up with two people. First my weird male bestfriend, Alex and Nana cause I need to empty my fridge before I leave to Estonia.
I was kind of suprise they both understand and both experienced what I have been trough. I feel a litte bit better. Abortion is most common than I think it is.
As the day goes by my belly is bloated but my body did not become thinner even though I barely eat. I only eat orange, and sweet stuff cause the rest make me sick. Litteraly. My uterus expanding and I feel cramp almost any minutes. I can’t stand being standing for too long nor stay in a room for too long. Every movement is a torture. I feel like the pregnancy takes everything that I love. My job, my ability to sense foods, my strong and beautiful body. I feel sick. All the time. I really cannot stand any longer. I just cry and hope I could kill my self.
I isolate my self from everything cause I hate my body. I hate that I cannot enjoy things that I love anymore. I tried to be functional, I call my insurence if they recives my corresponden letters. The answer was shocking me.
They said during the strike on 27th, many letters sent are lost. Including my letter. My correspondence letter was never arrived and I have to start the whole procedure from the very beginning. They said they will send the letter again.
I really want to kill my self. I cried and I lost hope.
I call my first gynecologist and hoping to have a termin as soon as possible. They said I could come on 28th. I come, I said that the morning sickness is torturing me. I really cannot stand eating I want to be alive and able to eat but I just cannot. I am hungry and nauseous all the time. I feel dizzy and wanted to faint all the time. And I feel like I want to kill myself.
My husband was beside me, he company me and saw the fetus trough the USG. I can see he seems attached to it. My gynecologist asked again if I really want to cancel. And I said I can’t stand being pregnant. She said I should do the procedure before Easter. After easter my pregnancy will 10 weeks old and the procedure will be more complicated. She gaves me pills to reduce the nausea.
I think, If I just stay at home and waiting for my correspondence letter I will probably fall into suicide attempt. So I reschedule my flight to Tallin, Estonia. I could leave on 29th. Seven days in Tallin and waiting for my insurance to send the crucial letter.
Just before I leave Germany. The first correspondence letter came and I start it again from very beginning. I refilled the form and because I need to go to the airport I asked my husband to send it with a tracing code.
So I fly to Tallin
During the first day I was sooooo happy for not being in Bonn and waiting for a letter. I find new people, mingled with them. But during the night I feel the discomfort, pain and dizzy.
The second day I start throwing up and feel disgusted by the food. We were in the middle of forest where there is no food option beside the catering. So I let my self starving. I ate gummies I bring from Germany. And chocolate.
The third day, people decided to go shopping so I orders bananas and oranges. People start to think I am a mysterious girl cause I refused to mingle and they never see me during breakfast and lunch. I told them, it wasn’t my purpose. I have unwanted pregnancy and I throw up every morning, disgusted by the smell of foods and even coffee. I barely eating cause eat cause vommiting. I only eat fruits and the desserts, that’s the only thing I can eat.
One of friend I made in Estonia asked if I regret to come here
I said, “I regret being pregnant, I have been longing to come here”
I told everyone I am about to have an abortion and I am waiting for my administration letter so I can performed abortion.
The fifth day, my husband informed me that the letter has arrived. I am so relieved. I still cannot eat anything and the medicine my gynecologist gave me did not change anything. I took ibuprofen for the headache almost everyday cause I feel pain in the head and back all the time.
On Monday, 3rd of April, I asked my husband to make me a termin in the ob/gyn and please tell them that I have the letter. He got me an appoitment on 6th April. I feel so relieve.
on April the 5th I come back to Germany. I reunite with my husband. I know he feels sad cause I am about to give up his baby. But pregnancy is not about raising a child, it is about using a women’s body to develop the child. And if the women is not give a consent with her body being a medium for a baby, then you cannot have one. Pregnancy is not about having a baby, but a sacrifice of a woman with her body. A woman’s body is literally being tortured and she is about to gamble her life with death. It is not about simply giving birth of a baby.
My husband treat me with a lamb’s rips cause I have been craving for meat during this pregnancy (I know, it is a signal that my body needs iron). And at the same time tomorrow I am going to have a medical procedure so I have to prepare by eating lot of meat. I need to have a fasting before the procedure they said.
It’s 6th of April I have no expectation. I come to the ob/gyn clinic once more, bring my last letter and delivered it to them. They said that I have to fill a form. I will tell the story of my procedure in the next post.
