Pregnancy is about using a woman’s body as a medium for creating a new human being. And if the woman does not give consent to her body for being a medium for a baby, then you are not expecting anything.
Pregnancy was never simply about giving birth to a baby, it is a sacrifice. During pregnancy, a woman’s body is literally being tortured for months, and about to gamble her life and death
So this morning I wake up early. I feel relieved but my husband feel sad. He said he cannot sleep during the night, he held my belly, saying goodbye. He knows he is attached to it. But I am not. He saw me tortured during my pregnancy. I have been hungry but I cannot eat for two months. I have been craving and vommiting. He’d rather be sad for a week than see me tortured for months. He knows I don’t want pregnancy even though I could be a good mother. I just hate pregnancy and I really want to get it over soon.
I prepared to go to the ob/gyn. I come with no expectation, I handled my letters. The last letter, the insurance letter. Today is 6th of April. My last week of hope because tomorrow is Easter and I probably don’t have a chance to perform a legal abortion anymore.
The nurse handed me a lot of forms, I filled it one by one patiently. I translate some of German words I don’t understand in English with google translate. I was alone cause my husband went to work. I gave her my letters. Then she send me to the checking room. The doctor showed up. He was suprised cause it has been three weeks since our last meeting. He cheked my belly and this time he used the ultrasound to my belly. I wonder if it’s possible cause my pregnancy must be small. Then it appeared. A 2,5cm of fetus. In the screen. He said it was risky to performed a medical abortion with this size of fetus and he offered a surgery abortion. He told me the advantages and disadvantages of surgical abortion. He said compare to the medical one, this process is fast but a little but complicated cause I must take a full anesthesy and I should fill forms to pervent if I will have complication after the procedure. I agree to all the condition. I go back to the waiting room, the nurse handed me another forms to fill.
It takes me an hour just to fill form. I came there at sharp 8 am and it is 9 am. She asked where is my care taker, I said I have a husband but he is at work. She said since there will be anesthesy involved I should find someone who can take care of me 24 hours and make sure that I come home safe. So I called my husband and asked him to pick me up after an hour.
Then she send me to the consultation room. A guy about 30 years old with beard asked me how I feel and if I have any question related to the anesthesia. I said that I feel so fucked up and I want to get this over as soon as possible, I hate being pregnant. He is then released me. And I have to wait for the preparation room.
I waited again in different room, in front of the operation room. There was six chairs in their. I sit in the middle, wait for my name to be called, I take my novel out, I am currently reading a The Happening by Annie Ernaux about the usafe abortion he had go trough in the 70ies. It was purely a coincidence i don’t know I will experience the same experience with her, I bought the book cause I know it just won Nobel Awards, I bought it last year but I start reading it as I came back to Indonesia. I am glad that I could have a safe abortion today and not risking my life any further. I don’t mind if I die during the procedure, I’d rather die than let this fetus alive inside me.
Beside me there was a middle-aged lady. I don’t know and don’t want to know why she is here. Beside her again an empty chair. A girl came out from the operation room with the nurse. She is crying and the nurse confort her. I can sense that the middle-aged lady is quite wary.
I sit in the middle, on my left there are two chairs filled by a couple. I saw they enter the doctor’s room and a minute after I hear them giggling from the doctor’s room. Perhaps they hear a good news to them. I keep continue reading and 10 minutes after another girl came out from the operation room. The girl came out and she was smilling. I guess it was a relieved and the middle-aged woman beside me, obviously her mother cause they both looked a like. The middle-aged women hold her daughter’s hand and she hugged her. The gesture that I found impossible. My mother will never ever comfort me or letting me get an abortion. The daughter was lucky.
I am about to finished my reading in several pages until the nurse called me. I enter the operation room.
The room is divided into two parts. The before-after part and the the actual operation room with full of equipments. I know it later after I enter that room. I have to wait for my turn, I am told by a nurse to change my pants into a blanket and operation plastic to cover my feet. I did what she order and I rest my body in the before-after room. The room is small, about 0,5 x 1 2 meter, only one bed can fit the room. Again, I am located in the middle with two similar rooms surrounds me.
From my room I can hear the other patient in the surgery room. I hear he conversation in English, not in German so I can hear clearly what they were talking about. I can hear the pulse. I can sense the patient have fear, or maybe worries from the tense and frequent beep sound that I hear. The anesthesy guy, I know from his voice it was the same guy that gave me consultation. He asked the patient about her daily life, I suspect to lower the tense and make the patient not too scared with the procedure. After a slow beeping, I notice that the guy stop talking, perhaps the patient is already sedated and the operation is on going. The last sentence I hear was the guy said, “oh you think I am cute? thank you!”
I understand that sedated people said something funny like that, I wonder what I will said in that room.
After a long pause, I hear a vacuum sound. I think the room is being cleaned and sterile cause no longer after that, the same guy approach me and hold me to the actual operation room.
This room is 4x bigegr with full equipments. There are two people in that room, not include the doctor cause he has not been there yet. A nurse seat me up in a chair that similar to every gynecologist’s chair, with two holdings for legs to rest. The chair is taller than my body so I jumped a little bit. I laid my legs and the guy start a conversation with me. A different type of conversation with the girl. He asked about my study, what is my major and my speciality. I told them I study slavery. He asked how long I have stayed in Germany. I said I like it here cause I could have a safe and legal abortion, a privilege health care system that I will never had in my own country. I cannot tell if he smiled or not but I can tell he was suprised by my answer.
He said again what I wanna do after my study and I said, continuing my PhD. Cause studying slavery in Hindian Ocean kind of rare comparing the study that has been done in Atlantic Ocean. He asked again what I want to do after the procedure. I said, in my deepest heart, “eating”.
“eating, I want to eat. I have been hungry for two months and I barely eat anything cause I feel nausea. I really miss enjoying foods”.
Finally I can see him smilling and said yes of course I can eat but be carefull after a procedure my stomach is getting smaller cause I am fasting. I definitely can eat snack and eat a big Dönner once my body is ready.
I asked back why I don’t feel the anasthesy. He said cause it doesn’t start yet until the doctor walks in. Suddenly the doctor walk in. He said I will feel dizzy and I remember I scream,
“I CANNOT FEEL MY LEFT HAND!!! IT IS TOO HEAVY!!!!”
I hear giggling then I didn’t remember everything. As I open my eyes, the nurse handed me back to the small room where I can take a rest.
Time passed. I open my eyes and lift my hand, I didn’t feel anything but a little cramp in my lower belly. I wonder why I am not bleeeding. Am I getting a surgery? Why I feel nothing? Then I check my vulva, cotton was attached to it. Now I know that I had the surgery. Then a nurse come and asked me if I am okay, I said I am okay and I am ready to wear my clothes again. She send me to the doctor room. I barely remember anything but I remember to check my phone. My husband said he is already here.
The doctor check my belly for the last time. I saw a clean uterus like I had before this pregnancy. I cannot show him how I feel relieved. I remember to thank him. I get out and the nurse asked where is my care taker. I called my husband and asked him to ring the bell and come cause I cannot leave the clinic without somebody accompany me home.
Before my husband enter the room, I feel nausea. I didn’t eat anything so nothing come out. As I come out from the toilet, I asked the nurse if I could get medicine for nausea and she said it is simply because I didn’t eat. I just need to eat and I will feel better. I finally see my husband and look at the clock. It is already 12 pm. I have been here for four hours.
My husband hold my hand. I can see it from his heart that he is about to burst in tears. But he still asked me what I want to eat. I said I want to eat banana, let’s drop to REWE on the way our home.
I feel a little cramp, but it’s just an ordinary cramp like I have my mens, even lighter. I have strenght, I can walk it is not that difficult to walk. But my husband is holding his feelings. His eyes are getting red, so I think it was me comforting him, not him comforting me.
We drop by REWE and buy a banana. We walked home. It is only 15 minutes for us to walk from the doctor to our home including buying banana and apotheke for ibuprofen. We live in the city enter so everthing are nearby and walkable. During the walk, I hold my husband and comfort him.
I swear I barely feel anything. I feel soooo relieve. Actually I fell joy cause I don’t feel any significant pain.
As we get home, my husband cries. I know, I have to take care of my self after this surgery. I clean my hands, eat my banana and make a sweet tea cause I need sugar in my blood.
My husband asked what I need while he is still tearing up. I know he is trying to be a bigger person and he try to let go his baby than see me tortured of being pregnant. I said please bring me chocolate in the dining table. I know I bring some chocolate from Estonia.
He hand me the chocolate, I drink my tea. I suddenly feel so much better and I feel super hungry.
My husband ask what I wanna eat. I said I want to eat gyoza from my restaurant cause I miss working and I love my job. I know the menu I wanted to order and it doesn’t show in the online menu so I called my work place. My bestie is in shift and he gave me 50% discount. I love him so much!!!!
As I lay down and waiting for my meal delivery, my husband needs to get back to his work. He finished crying and we snuggle to comfort him. I believe he carries my emotional burden so I can focus on my physical recovery. Because all the patients I saw from the operation rooms (I know, only two of them) they felt so emotional. They cried and people hug while I barely feel nothing. I don’t feel any fear in the operation room. It is not because I am tough, perhaps I simply heartless. I really want to get an abortion and having the operation just get my hair done from a salon. I don’t feel sadness but instead a satisfaction. I want my life back. Maybe that also the same reason I only spend 5 minutes in the counselor’s room. I really want to do the abortion without exceptions.
My husband feels better, he go to his office and my food delivery come. I eat like an animal cause I DIDN’T EAT FOR FUCKING TWO MONTHS! I HAVE BEEN STARVING FOR TWO MONTHS! Now I can taste food without suffering. I can express how relieve I am. The doctor said it takes two days until my body notice that I am no longer pregnant but I am so happy just to think that all my fatigue and nausea will gone.
I eat the whole big portion of Homei’s omlette bowl, my favorite. Usually i cannot finish this, the portion always too big but I have been hungry for two months. I finished it in three hours. I try not to eat slowly so I don’t feel nausea. You know, a precaution cause I have been vomiting for two months.
Then I decide to write my experience.
I know I need to write it down cause this is a life experience, and I want to remember it. An experience of being a woman.
