Congratulation, I hate you

So I was cooking today and suddenly this song came up at my playlist. Yes I like to listen metal all the time, while I am cooking, cleaning the house, folded my laundry, and I understand that it kind of strange of a housewife listening this kind of music while doing the household but why not?

Anyway, you know in a movie, before someone’s death usually s/he experience something like life flashed before the actual death or something like that? I think that happened to me after the marriage. You know out of sudden, again just doing the household while Spotify randomly played those music I like. I remember my first boyfriend ever. I do not really care how he’s doing right now. I know he settled down like me with two children, then what else? I am actually do not really care and do not want to compare or get back to that previous life. But yeah, I just realised things that passed me by. The broken heart.

At that time I do not know to handle a broken heart. I was 16 I guess, what could I expect? I didn’t even know myself?

Having a boyfriend it is kinda mandatory because everybody else did, and I met this cute senior at our english class, he was the smartest and I like smart men. I teased him and ask him to be my boyfriend. He said “yes, yes, yes, yes” multiple times. Nothing made me happier than his answer. He became my first boyfriend, and I became his first girlfriend.

We dated, almost eight months passed until he graduated. I was so happy when he got into the University of Indonesia. Extremly happy. My feeling to him was pure. I was the girlfriend in his graduation day (or we could call it prom?). I wish I could date him in the University too, I study hard and I know what I want. I want to study history in University of Indonesia, so I could meet him.

Life was simple back than, so does my perception of this world. I wasn’t stupid, just simple. I love him with all of my heart and everything I had. But I wasn’t understand my self before, I do not know and never try how cruel life and responsibility hit me. I was reckless, egoist, yet simple minded. And I accidentally hurt him, I swear it wasn’t my intention but I was so poisonous, surrounded by poisonous friends and I have no idea about self-acceptence, yet respect people around me. I haven’t learn how to respect people as human being. I was too self-centric and thinking that people will give me happiness.

Even though I still cannot understand what happiness is until today, but it doesn’t bother me anymore

I was hurting him so bad. I broke his heart, I wasn’t respecting him as individual and human being. I was being too dramatic and the whole world was spinning around me. Today he didn’t want to talk with me anymore, he cut me off. But I understand and I deserve it.

If only I had a chance to say sorry to him, I don’t expect forgiveness or hoping we could be friends. No, I just want him to know that I am feeling sorry with all the evil things I did to him. It was not fair, it was cruel and I deserve to be cut off. I am not wishing him happy too cause I know happiness is impossible to reach.

if hating me make you continue your life, then do it.

Sincerely, your crazy first ex-girlfriend.

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