I made a Friend

Late 20 is confusing. It is the stage when you are trying to figure out of how being an adult is. A functional one. My friends have an age range between 25 to 35 right now. And it seems some of them had been trough the mature-ing stage and some of them not. The one question will affected the core and the identity on: who are you and what do you want in life?

I had a friend in late 20ies who knows that she wanted to runaway and build her own family as a response of bad family she had growing up.

Another friends still chaotic during her early 30ies, she barely clean her own rooms and cannot escape from the job she really hates.

I have a friend who still experience loneliness and try dates with girls to fill the void. Or maybe it just my impression, or he actually feels it.

The later example is something that probably going on right now. I once tried a new experience, out of boredom or something and I met him. We share laugh and feeling emptiness together. We wonder why we feel disconnected and dead inside. But he was beautiful and I mistaken the feeling we shared together as romance. The things I should avoid.

Now he is gone and I have to face this numb and emptiness by myself. I thought I had a friend to come trough this stage together. Like what I had in Indonesia. Being excellent, doing our best while feeling dead inside. Maybe this is high functional anxiety, or depression. I don’t know I cannot tell. Or my body simply needs more progesteron. I feel like a shit. I walk and I work like a machine. I don’t think I have a soul cause it dead and I left with this material body.

I want him to come back, to talk about our feelings and music that we could share together. But I understand this attachment is not healthy. This is not a peer support group. He doesn’t want to be my friend and he wants to continue dating girls to fill void inside him.

Unlike me, he do not want to embrace the pain of being empty. He wants to repressed and escape. And those are his choice. And we decided to be apart.

Now in my solitude I wanna enjoy this sadness, or hopeless. I cannot even describe my own feelings. Do I have any? I write down things in my head. Maybe I will feel better. Because with or without anyone in my life, I should survive. I don’t wanna die even though I don’t feel alive.