If The World Ends Tomorrow

I have been so melancholy this week. First the Russia-Ukraine war that leads to my bestie, she is worrying about what if the war reached Germany. We are as Indonesians living in Germany, and she with her baby in her belly. It just gives her anxiety, and as an empath her anxious spreads to me. And today I will have my teeth implats. The first surgery in my life. I do not actually worrying about the pain. I just sad that if I cannot enjoy chewing in a couple months, since I really love crunchy foods like mango and you know, all the foods that requires chewing.

These thought make me feel melancholy, rather anxious. my bestie ask, what if the war reached Germany? what will you do? will you go back to Indonesia or stay here in Germany. Well I saw many war and what happen. War is like a chronicle disease, it spread and it will kill people. I have lived the best I can, I do not embrace death, nor denying it. But I if the world ends tomorrow these are the things that I do:

  1. I wanna stay close to the person I love the most and forever, my husband. In the last minute, I just wanna be with him. Stroke his hair as I always do before we sleep and tell him that thank you for always loving me, respecting me, supporting me and being with me.
  2. I will say sorry to my beloved niece, that I cannot provide her with a beautiful life that she deserves. She deserves a better world condition.
  3. I wanna write a letter/or call my mom, that even though our relationship had been difficult. I always know that she loves me and just want to protect me. I wanted she knows that there are not so much thing I can do to repay her love to me.
  4. I want to hear and see my family for the last time, not physically, virtual is also okay. I wanna feel that how much I love my brothers and sister. How I love my mom and dad. And thank them that they never ever have a thought that my obsession to mermaid such a stupid thing.
  5. I want to say to my bestie, my niece and her husband that I wish we could grow old together. But since the world ending soon, I know it is impossible and none of us believe life after death, but if there is one, I would like to be her best friend again in the next life.

My cheeks are wet as I type this letters. I now realised, that I do live to my fulles. I have overcome my fears and anger. I understand that somehow life could be superficial but I know for sure that love is existed. I feel the connections, the fear of losing things that is so important to me. And those are not my work, not my books or publication, not my NGO or my possession on expensive things. Those things that really matter for me is those people I love, how they make me safe and secure. How they support me, i could be rich or poor. I could be fat and ugly, I could be lean and beautiful. but they stick with me. And I thing that would be the most important in life. To make people that I love and loving me, live happy.

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