I have been crying for whole week as I found out that I am pregnant. I don’t want this and I feel the whole world crumbles around me. I barely concentrate, my feet hurts, my body hurts, I feel breast tenderness, super lazy and tired all the time. I really hate my body and I am scared to be pregnant.
So I decided to stop eating unless I have to go to work. My work, the job that I love very much is a job that requires physical strenght. I love it, I cannot lose it. I need energy. So I only eat if I exercising or going to work. Beside it, I refuse to eat. I don’t wanna feed this stupid fetus. it shouldn’t be there in the first place.
So yeah, if I don’t go to work, I just cry and refuse to eat anything. I become thinner but my breast still swollen. Then I realised that I am getting weaker and it is not good for my body in general. So I try to eat, only eat, something that could lead to miscarriage such as caffein, alcohol and oxytocin. I bought a young papaya, I make a papaya salad and snacking pinapple. I drink more than 3 shots of espresso every day and in the evening I add alcohol shot to my espresso. I drink beer and I avoid any types of carbs. I just don’t wanna be pregnant and I will do everything to have a misscarriage.
I do my indoor cycling exercise and do a dead lifting. I stand for hours and I do anything, anything so I could kill the fetus inside of me. I just hate being pregnant and I don’t wanna be pregnant. I made three appoitment for abortions. In three different gynocologist in this city. The first gynecologist refused to examine my body unless it reach 6 weeks which about the next two week (I found out I am pregnant while I am 4 weeks pregnant). The two gynecologists they are agree to meet me next week and now this stupid pregnancy reached 5th weeks. I am already digusted.
I did not experience any morning sickness or anything. I experienced abdominal cramps but it said that because my uterus is expanding. Which is disgusting and it makes me cry. I don’t wanna be pregnant. I don’t want this and I’d rather die. I really wanna kill myself than being pregnant. I was dissapointed on how my body failed me. My gynecologist said that I supposed be infertile. But why? why I am pregnant? I hate this. I can’t stand and I feel like my life is over.
Yesterday I only cried in my bed and my whole body hurt and feel tired. I drank espresso as much as I could, along with green tea. I consumed as much caffein as possible. Then cried again. I did nothing. My body feel warm and I feel cold. When I went to sleep I feel the abdominal cramps again. And the next day, my breast stop swollen. I hope those are sign that my pregnancy is over. I am really hoping so.
My next plan is go to the indoor cycling, then work asual. I will make my body super tired and over-exercise while consuming as much caffein as possible. I hope before my abortion termin come, I already killed the fetus in my body. I would rather make my body broken, or end my life, rather being pregnant. And if I cannot abort the pregnancy, I’d rather abort my life.
