So it has been a while since I am able to concentrate, sitting in front of my laptop, gathering myself together just to continue living.
At certain point I am glad that I have my dream job, being a chef. And working is the only thing that keep me sane. Keep me eating cause know I need energy so I can perform in my job. I really love my job and I don’t wanna lose it.
However, this stupid pregnancy make me difficult to move and I am not as strong as I used before. I think about how can I get rid of it as soon as possible so I can work as usual.
I tried to gather my life back, at least just dealing with paper and to feed my husband. My husband is so patient and he is also the reason I keep living. Or I rather kill my self so I can kill the stupid parasite inside me.
I called my feminist friends from this city because I remember in 2020 we once made a campaign about access to abortion. And damn it help me a lot. I contact my friend, asked what should I do to get rid of this unwanted pregnancy. She gave me informations about special doctor who performed that thing. I called the doctor, immediately along with my current gynecologist.
I also doing research about types of abortion and a law that cover abortion in Germany. So in Germany abortion is legal with certain condition: the pregnancy is not older than 12 weeks, caused by rape or the pregnancy will harm the mother.
i already think about suicide all the time and how depress I feel after I found out that I pregnant. I calculate the age of my pregnancy and it supposed 5 weeks. I think I should do this as soon as possible.
I was lucky because early March is my regular gynecologist check up so I get the appoitment from my regular doctor by the time my pregnancy reach 6 weeks. I talked to my doctor and she does not judge my decision to not keep the parasite. She saw that I am 100% don’t want to get pregnant and become a mother. So she informed me about the procedure on having legal pregnancy termination and refer me to another doctor to performed that action (which I already booked).
First, I got a sertificate that confirm that I am pregnant and how old my pregnancy is. This sertificate only can be published trough ultrasound and bloodtest. One important information about my ultrasound. Although my pregnancy supposed to reach week 6th and almost 7th, the ultrasound cannot find the embryo of my pregnancy so it just a sack. There are several hypothesis about the empty sack: either it was too early to do an ultrasound (but 6weeks usually enough to find a dot/embryo in my uterus) or my embryo doesn’t develop. Either way it is gonna be terminate.
So after I did the ultrasound, blood test and received the sertificate, I was refer to a counselor. It is a mandatory to have a counseling session before you did an abortion in Germany. For me personally, it is just waste of time because I already know that I don’t wanna get pregnant. But yeah, I was lucky again because just 4 hours after I received my pregnancy certificate, went to the counselling organisation and immediately got the appoitment for counselling! Omg that was very fast and it rarely occured in Germany.
I mean, yeah the bureaucracy sucks because I can just terminate my pregnancy at that time but no, I have trough those stupid steps to terminate my pregnancy. But I think I was so lucky and well prepare that everything went smooth and fast.
By the time of counselling, it only takes 5 minutes because damn, I already know that I don’t want this fucking parasite in my body and I want to be normal as soon as possible. The woman just let me go and leave me such an information for example on asking my insurance to cover the process which is very helpful.
In the next day, because I already booked a termin to the special doctor, I just come and I think this abortion doctor is kind of special and I am so happy that we have this person of color doctor. I think I am gonna share my experience about meeting a doctor who is a person in color in Germany for the first time cause it means a lot for me. Especially dealing with this kind of experience. many said traumatic, but I just wanna get by. I wanna be normal. I miss my friends and my life. I wanna be social again, I wanna stop thinking about death and possible way to kill my self.
I wanna love my husband cause he deserve to be love, I want my life back.
