Reflection of being an Adult Model

Recently I embrace a hobby that I really wanna tried since I was kid. Being a model. I was growing up with people surrounds me telling me that I was born with pretty face. But it seems that my mother knows that being pretty girl is a burden so she tried so hard to make me value something beyond my physical appearance: my brain.

Luckly I was a hyperactive kid, with a lot of energy and curiousity. My mom feeds me with things I like: books and introduced me to lot of life skills such as knitting, drawing and playing music to release my high energy. She also cut my hair short all the time cause I looked alike a Japanese doll if I let my hair grow, with almond eyes, small nose and light skin (even my Granma compares me to her Japanese doll collections). And having a beautiful daughter is a blessing and curse at the same time to every family.

Why? because the patriarchal society, where I grow up value female by appareance. And a beauty could be strenght and a weakness. If you have a pretty daughter, she will prone to sexual harrasement, she will grow up only admiring her beauty and people surrounds her that admire her pretty face. She will failed to developed as human being, she will be weak and dependent to people’s validation of her beauty.

So when I tried to assigned myself as a teenagers cover model. My mother condemn that idea, she said it was a sinn to show your beautiful skin to other people beside your husband. I was so angry, I just wanna express myself and I wanna be praised as a pretty girl. I turned out as someone that my parents always craving me to become: an intellectual girl who study abroad.

Now in my 28 years old age, I am admitted to post graduate school, history major in Germany. I pay my own school tuition which is almost free, than to Germany education policy for University. Same thing happened in my bachelor time, I was the first daughter and granddaughter who admitted to the best University in Indonesia, without a national test cause I have so many achievements during my high school age. I turned out as the brilliant academic girl, as they desired me to be.

But deep down I have things that I wanna achive. Before I was accepted in one of the prestigious High School in my town, I am also accepted in a vocational school for conditour, pastry maker, in Bogor. But my father decided I should go to the University because I have amazing grade. I wanted to pursue a modelling career, but my mother said that profession is sinful.

Now I live as myself in Germany. I pursue everything I wanted to be when I was younger. I wanted to be a cook. I am now working in restaurant as a cook. I couldn’t say that I am happy cause happiness is a butterfly. But I never hate my job. I still cannot believe in a payday, I was getting paid for my hobby. I never feel like working. It feels different with writing cause I do put efforts on writing, but cooking I really enjoy it. I enjoy it very much.

Then become a model. Recently I tried an adult modelling cause I think mybody is precious and I wanna memories and captures all the possibility of me being in every stage. Nothing last forever and I saw how my thoughts, my body, my face changed trough ages. And I wanna captures every stages as I possibly could. And beside, being an adult model requires only a pretty face and minimum make up. I embrace my body and the beauty I already own.

One of my modelling work example

The downside is, I cannot really publish the photo cause I know in my country, we have a regulation that criminalised women with their body expression. This kind of expression, being a model only can be expressed in Germany and not in Indonesia. That is kind of sad. And my conservative family I know they will angry but I am kind of use of dissapointing them. I am no longer care! HAHAHAHA

I really enjoy being a model to be honest. This adult modelling is nothing new to me cause I was a Japanese maid during 2012–2014… So photoshooting, make up and pose is nothing new for me but in this stage I learn a lot! I grow up and learn a lot about modelling right now. I grow up in 10 years to understand a basic requirement of being a model are:

I would say that i am confident to pose after I achieved certain body measurement. I shall be in a certain body fat range, height doesn’t matter cause this is ain’t runaway model.

And beauty,

Oh my mind. It is not a capitalistic standard that determined your beauty in the camera cause again, camera lens has their own language and standard. The camera will capture your charisma instead of beauty. And trough the photo result, you will deconstruct the beauty.

That’s the important thing I learn about modelling

Deconstructing a beauty.

If we follow the capitalist standard of beauty, the picture I shown above wouldn’t fulfilled it. My armpit wasn’t smooth, I have scar in my face, etc. But in adult modelling, those imperfections are beauty. We embrace beauty that we already own, all bodies are amazing cause it able to do certain movements. Like that pose that requires me standing with pointing feet and laying on the walls but not relaxing. Posing is not easy and it kind of hurts. But that’s the process of modelling.

Furthermore, camera can be cruel cause the majority of them speaking of less body fat as the standard of beauty regardless your face. But charisma is what they captured. And a great photographer will be able to record, capture the charisma, the feelings. And remember the model already deconstruted a standard of beauty face. And that what makes photo last. I could die but my persona and charisma will linger and that is how people could remember me.

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